he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Randomize
