No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
