he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
my poor anus
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
