He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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