Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Randomize
