Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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