I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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