She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
