dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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