her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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