I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
