I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
