Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Just heard "Kiss Me Though the Phone" for the first time. Amazed how it took Soulja Boy two songs to become a shitter version of Ja Rule.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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