when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Even my vagina gasped.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Randomize
