Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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