Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
