I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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