Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize