So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
