I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
