Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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