ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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