I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize