Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
