Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
