The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I cannot find my penis.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
