so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize
