Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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