I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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