You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
