apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
