Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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