Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Randomize
