I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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