I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
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