hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Also, beer. Big fan.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
