Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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