Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
