I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
this will be a night to untag.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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