i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
