When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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