I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
