After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
