see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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