Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Randomize
