Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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