Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
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