I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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