she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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