If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
you are never too drunk for berry picking
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
