I'm jealous of your bromance
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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