I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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