so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
