Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Im part way to drunk.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
