Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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