Someone shit on the floor
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
