Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize
