he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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