I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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