The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i drank out of a bidet.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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