My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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