Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
